Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
i’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be
— nika (@nikalamity) November 19, 2023
If my husband falls asleep in the car on the way home can I leave him there all night so I can have the bed to myself?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 16, 2023
Asking for a friend.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
— F?? ??N???F (@sofarrsogud) November 15, 2023
ME: I wrote a song about what it would be like if Grimace was King. It's called Purple Reign.
HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'.
The kitchen sink started dripping and I’m doing everything in my power to keep my husband from noticing before Thanksgiving. IYKYK
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) November 19, 2023
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) November 14, 2023
the wife appreciates that I noticed and complimented her new haircut and now she suspects that for the past 20 years I've been purposefully not noticing all the stuff around the house that needs to be done
— ??♂?Dad Moon Rising ?♂?? (@raoulvilla) November 20, 2023
Me: What do you want to be for Halloween next year?
— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky ?? (@DrSpooky_ER) November 15, 2023
Wife hanging Christmas decorations: Isn’t it a little early to think about that?
Me: No.
I’m at a restaurant with my husband of 11+ years and I just this moment found out he hates honey mustard. More than just “not a fan” but an actual visceral reaction to a cup of honey mustard. How? Did? I? Not? Know? This?
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 16, 2023
He is a damn stranger I tell you.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time to tell your wife “A smile goes a long way” when she’s in a bad mood. Especially not after she spends the whole day with the kids.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 17, 2023
Are you even married if you don’t have weirdly similar glasses?
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) November 17, 2023
My husband packed our lunches today. Leftover rotisserie chicken sandwiches on toasted bread, cucumber salad with raspberry balsamic dressing and gold fish.
— Princess (@themultiplemom) November 14, 2023
But he gon give the kids fruit snacks and not me. I want what they got uncle Frank. Tf?!
My wife thinks I'm mad at her but I'm not mad at her but she doesn't believe me so now she's mad at me.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 16, 2023
*Someone knocks at the front door*
— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky ?? (@DrSpooky_ER) November 15, 2023
Wife: Should we answer it?
Me: Absolutely not. It could be a serial killer or WORSE… some dude with a clipboard.
Much like my wife, I also like living life on the edge. pic.twitter.com/NUXEx47uf0
— Dad Named Matt ?? (@mahnamematt) November 17, 2023
Me: [pulling off my socks]
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 19, 2023
Husband: what are you going to do with those.
Me: [completely misreading the situation and talking seductively] what do you want me to do with them?
Husband: put them in the laundry. God, I can't believe I keep having to tell you this.
If you make your safe word “banana” after sex you can say “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” and your wife will leave you but it’ll be worth it.
— The Dad (@thedad) November 16, 2023
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 16, 2023
Me: How did you sleep?
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 18, 2023
Husband: Woke up in the middle of the night. Almost snuggled with you to help me fall back asleep.
Me: Awww. But also, don’t.
Marriage is so much fun. Like earlier today, I asked my wife how her morning was going so far and she said “I’ll let you know in a bit since you just opened your mouth.”
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 15, 2023
Sometimes I send memes to my husband because I don’t understand the joke but I think he will
— Carissa is in Barbie Mode (@CarissasNewLife) November 19, 2023
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